The Most Painful Chan-isms

My goodness... So many...
Young brain, like grass, need dew of sleep.
Wise precaution to accept "applesauce" with large pinch of salt.
Wherever one is not, that is where heart is.
When searching for needle in haystack, haystack only sensible location.
What is to be is to be.
Unwise officer who eat apple not yet ripe get official tummy ache.
Two ears for every tongue.
Truth, like football - receive many kicks before reaching goal.
Trouble with modern children, they do not smart in right place.
To one who kill, life can suddenly become most precious.
Thoughts are like noble animal - unchecked, they run away causing painful smash-up.
There is old saying: "Good wife's place should be at mate's elbow in time of trouble."
Swelled head sometimes give police more cooperation than criminal mistake.
Sometimes very difficult to pick up pumpkin with one finger.
Smart fly keep out of gravy.
Shot in dark sometime find eye of bull.
Remember old saying: "Earthquake may shatter the rock, but sand upon which rock stood still right there in same old place."
Pretty girl, like lap dog, sometimes go mad.
Perfect case, like perfect doughnut, has hole.
Optimist only sees doughnut, pessimist sees hole.
Opinion like tea leaf in hot water - both need time for brewing.
One at a time is good fishing.
Ocean have many fish.
Most fortunate gift to be able to cross bridge to dwelling place of honorable ancestors before arriving.
Man yet to be born who can tell what woman will or will not do.
Man can more safely search for gold if world thinks he dig ditch. 
Journey of life like feather on stream - must continue with current.
In China, mahjong very simple; in America very complex - like modern life.
Honorable father once say, "Politeness golden key that open many doors." 
Hasty man could also drink tea with fork.
Hasty conclusion like toy balloon - easy blow up, easy pop.
Greetings at the end of journey like refreshing rain after long drought.
Fingerprints very valuable if detective can catch owner of fingers.
Every maybe has a wife called Maybe-Not.
Envelope, like skin of banana, must be removed to digest contents.
Do not need brass band to commit simple burglary.
Contents of safe are only secure so long as someone outside watching safe.
Charming company turn lowly sandwich into rich banquet.
Blond hair can be obtained from a bottle - or wigmaker.
A woman not made for heavy thinking, but should always decorate scene like blossom of plum.
Ancient ancestor once say, "As mind is fed with silent thought, so should body absorb its food."
Action speak louder than French.
But wait! There's more!!!!
Why are these so painful? Imagine them being said in a halting, "Oriental" (switcheroo of those "r"s and "l"s!) accent by a tipsy Swedish actor. Now imagine hearing some sort of aphorism like these every 20 minutes in any given Charlie Chan movie. Now imagine that you are an Asian kid on the playground, and some kid who is not Asian goes up to you screeching "Confucius say..." and then proceed to pelt you with even more senseless Chan-isms. Are you done imagining? Aside from the cultural connotations that these "proverbs" have, they're also just... stupid. And bad. And painful. The grammar. The analogies. I dare you to read them out loud and keep yourself from facepalming or gently beating your forehead against your desk. I dare you.